Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Seesaw of the Writing life

I haven't been here for a while. My mind and emotions have been all over the place - can't tell you where exactly. That's how bad it was and still is to a milder degree.

As a result my writing has suffered somewhat. The routine and intensity wavered. Still, I wrote every day, something small, a line or two. But somehow, I felt disconnected and unsettled. Yeah, what else is new in this writer's life?

I could usually foresee these times of disconnectedness coming. I see them in the midst of periods of deep reflection and high creativity. Strange. In the back of my mind I know that the mountaintop experiences are always followed by deep valley lows. Yet when I find myself in the valley, I am still stymied by the contrasts between the two places and the emotions that accompany me there.

I try not to give in to the depression that pervades the valley atmosphere. I keep my journal close, walking with it from room to room as I try to get through my daily household chores and writing responsibilities. Every time I feel a bit overwhelmed or mentally tired, I slide the pen out from its spiral, flip the pages and write.

I describe how I am feeling at the moment, I put on my therapist cap and analyze my emotions, I write out a prayer to God, I scold myself, I encourage myself, and on and on I go. I let it all pur out on the page, just as it is, just as I think, the raw sometimes, conflicting emotions. I guess you could call it the crazy woman/writer pages.

However, I wouldn't trade those times or pages for anything. They are all apart of who I am and who I am becoming. I know that through it all, God is working His purpose in and through me. And although the pathway can be ominous and puzzling, I am always intimately aware of God's divine presence.

That is why I have not been utterly cast down. That is why even in the moments of my deepest despair, I can still write something, anything. No matter what, I remain dedicated to my passion to write.

Since yesterday evening though, I've been feeling as if I am slowly mending from the inside out. Well, to be truthful it is more like the outside in. Or it could be that the healing is taking place from both ends and slowly working its way to my center, my heart. One of the ways that I invest in this healing is by de-cluttering my surroundings. I re-work how I function or want to function in my home especially those rooms where I spend the most time.

Regardless of what chaos may be reigning on my day, I crave and take some quiet time. After I tidy up the house, and shower, I light a scented candle to infuse my home with my favourite scent, frankincense. I throw open my front door so that from the living room and my favorite chair I can see my plants on the porch and hear the birds singing. I sit in silence. I pray and I write. It is an exercise in opening my heart and being still while God dispenses soothing balm to my soul effects the necessary healing I might need.

So up and down I go through this life that God has gifted to me. It continues to be a wild and adventurous ride. God continues to teach me hard but necessary lessons. He continues to dispense comfort and guidance and blessings upon blessings.

The journey continues....

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